How Bad Communication can Ruin Your Day [Even Life]!

Clients often come to me with problems they face at work and for advice on how to deal with them. About half of my clients’ ongoing needs stem from how they communicate (or fail to) and how they hear what is being said to them without engaging in a critical dialog. A critical dialog can change the way you manage your relationship with others and can be a key element of your success, peace of mind, and the level of stress you experience in everyday life.

One recent example is an object lesson worth visiting and it is that of a mid-level manager at a large F-100 tech giant. This manager, Jim, has been my client of many years. After nearly four years in that role and doing well he felt that he was ready for his next promotion. On a recent Friday he called me with panic in his voice and explained to me that he needed to see me urgently to understand how to deal with the situation that he would soon be facing: An imminent lay-off!

So, I shuffled my other clients that very day to make room for jim and to see him on why he thought he was going to be laid off in the coming round. His company had been going through a major restructuring for the past two years with constant layoffs and re-orgs, so everyone had been nervous.

When he came to see me I first asked him why he felt that he was going to be laid-off in the next round starting in a few weeks. He told me that based on the exchange with his skip-level boss in a conversation over the phone the previous day (see below the “script” of that conversation) it left no doubt in his mind that he was going to be laid-off. Then I asked him about how he was doing in his role and what his most recent performance review (APR) was. It was all not only just good, but it was well above average (“4/5”).

Then I asked him about his job and any changes he saw in his role and responsibilities. He told me that he was recently given a new responsibility to manage the European Field Operations in addition to his ongoing role as Customer Support Lead. This additional responsibility that he was given, immediately following his APR, told me that his management thought highly of him. In addition, I also uncovered that there was no one able to do that job with both those elements rolled into a single responsibility without seriously jeopardizing customers’ needs.

Adding all these relevant elements made me scratch my head about his lay-off anxiety in the coming round of RIF (Reduction in Force). So, I asked Jim to repeat to me the exact conversation he had with his skip-level boss the previous day. Here is the transcript of that call as he relayed it to me in our meeting:

Skip-boss: Jim, I’m traveling down to HQ next week and would like to see you about some important matter that we need to discuss.

Jim: Oh!?

Skip-boss: As you know we have another round of lay-offs coming up and things have got difficult for me to go up the chain of command to ask for what I need to do for my own team. You have been on my list for a while and I have not been able to do anything about it. Before this lay-off I am going to finalize this list and then present it to my management.

Jim: Gulping, When did I get on THIS list?

Skip-boss: Right after your last performance review.

Jim: I am so sorry to hear this. I saw nothing but good things in my last review, which you signed-off on. What can I do to get off this list and what can you do to help me?

Skip-boss: I do not want you off this list and that is what I want to talk to you about when I come to the HQ next week and tell you some ideas I have of what options you still have.

Jim: Can I do anything before then?

Skip-boss: I think that it is too late for that!

They end that “dreadful” phone conversation, and in a panic Jim runs to his local boss and tells her about the impending lay-off and asks her if she knows why he is getting laid-off. She is now in a panic herself and tells Jim that she does not know anything about his getting laid-off (wondering if SHE herself is now on THAT list).

When Jim tells me this exchange almost verbatim I suddenly realized that there was something more to that “list” than what his skip boss was talking about. I asked Jim if he had any discussions about his promotion to the next level and when was he due for that promotion. Jim told me that he has been vying for this promotion for two years and had talked to both, his boss and his skip about getting their help for that promotion ever since his APR from a year back, repeating again during the most recent one.

Connecting all the dots of exchanges between these two, fraught with ambiguous messages I suddenly realized that in the original exchange Jim and his skip-level boss were talking past each other; about his name on a promotion list and not a on lay-off list. So, I asked Jim about that possibility.

Suddenly a smile flashed across his face and his eyes lit up. I mentioned to Jim that the way the conversation went with the skip-level boss it was ambiguous at best and was subject to interpretation. Based on the frame of mind of each party, the prevailing doom, and based on the impending event, either party would be right to interpret that conversation in light of their own ability to “mind-map” it. At the end of my meeting with Jim that day, what started in a gloomy tone, suddenly turned into a discussion with many positive possibilities!

In the ensuing week when Jim’s skip boss visited the offices their meeting resulted in an entirely different conversation. Jim was being presented for a promotion based on the list of candidates his skip-boss had created and his skip-boss was going to push for that promotion despite the impending lay-offs. The “list” they were discussing in that call was actually the list of people due for a promotion and not for a lay-off! Although this process is still pending, it completely changed the way Jim now looks back on that fateful phone conversation.  

So, what is the lesson to learn from this episode? Here is my take:

1. In any conversational exchange do not make assumptions about the statement the other party is making, but challenge those assumptions in a critical way and ask them to clarify even though YOU may be certain about their meaning.
2. Do not let your vulnerability to the negative news in that conversation, which may impact you negatively hold you back from getting clarification of what the underlying message is and its possible impact on you. In this case, Jim could have asked his skip-boss: What list are you talking about and why am I on that list? An answer to this simple question may have saved untold grief and an emergency session Jim had with me that Friday and the anxiety that dogged him for the next few days.  
3. If after seeking clarification on ambiguous or confusing terms in the conversation you recognize that the subject of that conversation is a negative impact on you, do not get defensive and start arguing with the other party. Just keep your cool and keep digging deeper until that person can no longer shed any new light on the matter.
4. If it is some adverse news that impacts you (lay-off) do not go running around, screaming Lay-offs, Lay-offs! Take a deep breath and find some avenues to verify the comment or the news with someone, who can authenticate it. In the case of Jim, he ran to his immediate boss and even she did not know what was going on. That should have been a clear hint to Jim that something was askew. Most managers should know if their subordinates are getting laid-off.
5. Learn how to stay cool even when the communication exchange has an earthshaking impact within your ecosphere. Keep digging deeper and getting clarity on the terms used before you become unhinged and do something irrational.
6. Do not assume that your skip and even higher ups have an evolved sense of how to communicate. Most don’t, so misunderstandings ensue because of both parties’ inability to engage in effective communication.
7. In today’s world of cryptic messaging, SLACK, and AI aids to draft messages, most are sloppy about how they communicate, especially in writing. That sloppiness then extends to their oral communication, too, often wreaking havoc at critical times.
8. Learn how to write well and engage in an unambiguous dialog with anyone you deal with. In critical situations if helps to ask the other party either to summarize the conversation or to ask what they heard. Then correct any miscommunication. Yes, this step takes more time, but the time and grief it saves cannot be underestimated.

So, now that we know how to crack an ambiguous exchange of messages here is how the original dialog COULD have taken place, with Jim now taking charge of the conversation using the above tips:

Skip-boss: Jim, I’m traveling down to HQ next week and would like to see you about some important matter that we need to discuss.

Jim: Great! What is the topic of that discussion?

Skip-boss: As you know we have another round of lay-offs coming up and things have got difficult for me to go up the chain of command to ask for what I need to do for my own team. You have been on my list for a while and I have not been able to do anything about it. Before this lay-off I am going to finalize this list and then present it to my management.

Jim: Without getting rattled asks: What is the list about?  

Skip-boss: Right after your last performance review I added you to the list of people in my department that should be considered for a promotion. In view of the climate of lay-offs I am having difficult time putting forth that list for consideration and approval. But, I need to talk to you about what you can do to help me with making that happen.

Jim: Of course! Thank you for pushing my promotion in this difficult time. I’d be curious to learn from you what I can do to help you in this matter. I am very interested in getting this promotion during the coming cycle.

Skip-boss: Let me know what day works for you to meet me. I’ll be there the entire week.

Jim: Can I do anything before then?

Skip-boss: No, I think we are OK.

In many situations miscommunication or misinterpreted communication can wreak havoc in one’s otherwise “normal” life, often for no reason. Taking charge, staying cool, and seeking clarity as if you are in the conversation as your own agent are the best strategies to get to the bottom of what matters to you! Good luck!