I often hear my clients complaining about how people do not keep their word and how frustrating it is to be in suspense. This is especially true if they are waiting to hear from the recruiter with a potential employer that just put them through a grueling round of interviews and who smilingly promised, Looking real good here, we’ll get back to you latest by tomorrow! After the nail-biting two weeks and repeated, futile attempts to contact the recruiter, the client grudgingly moves on, crestfallen and defeated.
Crestfallen because despite the very positive interviews and palpable excitement about the client’s joining the hiring team, they have received a tacit, indecorous rejection. Defeated because the client gets no clue what really happened, despite being a shoo-in for the position and the enthusiastic exchanges in the interview such as how soon could they start, etc!
The problem of people not keeping their commitments is much broader and deeper than just when important matters such as employment are at issue. This is perhaps so because those making these commitments do not fully appreciate their sanctity. I think that most people mistakenly differentiate between “commitments” and casually made or implied statements; such as, I’ll call you tomorrow, or even simply acknowledging an important email message, let alone responding to it!
I think that the reason for this attitude is two-fold: For one, those making such promises make them without forethought and without really meaning them, but to merely finding some way to get past the moment. They perhaps feel also that they are caught in an awkward moment and unthinkingly blurt something out that you would forget as soon you depart. The fallacy in this assumption is that they have no idea how you view this; to you this could be very important! They further rationalize it by assuming that you must also treat your commitments the same way as they themselves do, making this all a quid pro quo of sorts, thus perpetuating this pernicious social malady.
Both these assumptions are specious and do not address the root cause of this societal ill. The root cause of why people do not keep their promises or commitment is, first, they do not consider something orally mentioned in a casual exchange will rise to the sanctity of calling it a commitment. They rationalize their thinking by convincing themselves that unless it is in writing with witnesses swearing to the facts, it is really not a binding commitment. Secondly, they rationalize, if they change their mind or something else, unforeseen, suddenly comes up, it absolves them from having any obligation to keep the original commitment. In such a case they see no obligation to convey the changed circumstances to the person waiting for them. This mindset also largely stems from one’s cultural heritage. Certain cultures tend to be quite casual about such things. This can even include things such as nonchalantly waltzing quite late for an important dinner, keeping everyone hungry and wondering, nearly ruining the meal!
Both these premises are misguided. A commitment, in my view, is any statement you make, casually or not, to another person about your obligation to do something. It also includes your implied role in fulfilling your obligation such as timely responses to your emails and messages. Once made, commitments must be treated as almost sacred; only violable by mutual agreement and by new ones that replace them. Another factor in this transaction is that both parties have an obligation to ensure that they have done all that they can to ensure that commitments are understood and honored. What this means is that both parties share responsibilities in fulfilling this obligation. This may include escalated follow-ups or whatever else that works.
So, here is my prescription on how to deal with commitments and how to keep them. My expectation, too, is that regardless of how many people renege on their “commitments” to you, you must honor yours just to develop your civic obligation to this process. My hope is that eventually everyone would take their commitments seriously and all will be well:
- Treat every statement that obligates you as a promise to the other person. So, if you are not sure that you can deliver on that promise, no matter how trivial, do not make any misleading statements. Be honest and forthright, right up-front.
- If after making a commitment you changed your mind, let the other person know immediately and why.
- The other person who is expecting you to honor your commitment now has the obligation of holding you accountable. They do that by following up with you in some way that reinforces, or negates, the original commitment
- I think that there should be some reward system for those who honor their commitments diligently without regard to their gravity. Thus, to me, let’s meet for lunch later this week or coming to a meeting on time, is as serious a commitment as saying, I’ll take care of your sick mother when you’re on vacation next month!
- Keeping commitment builds character. So, here is your chance to avail yourself of a “free” opportunity to build your character and get honored by those to whom such things matter!
- Keeping your own commitments to yourself is also a part of this same discipline: If you got yourself on an exercise plan then you must stay on it even if you have a perfect alibi for not doing it one day!
- If you are fainthearted and likely to surrender to your most wayward passions in keeping your own promises to yourself, announce your intentions publically and ask a friend to hold you accountable.
- Keep a list of commitments made and audit them every week to see what is still pending. This list should include both professional and personal commitments you make. The professional commitments you honor can translate into your career success. In my own case, for emails, for example, I flag the ones that need a follow-up and then scroll through them when I am able to steal some time during my day.
- Remind people of missed commitments and ask them to remind you without holding a grudge. This will increase your awareness of keeping commitments.
- Try taking your commitments seriously and following this prescription. If you do not feel good for having done this, write a rebuttal blog; I’d welcome it!