Relocating with Your Spouse: Some Strategies for a Stress-Free Transition!

With the world becoming flatter every day and industries moving to geographies where they can operate more effectively, relocation of human resources has become a constant factor in today’s reality. Sometimes, these relocation initiatives are done on their own accord in case where professionals are looking for a better opportunity, a more suitable climate, a more compatible geography, and so on. In many cases, the prime mover in such transitions is the family’s primary wage earner. Their spouse tags along, willingly uprooting from their known and secure environment in the hopes of making the best of the given situation. This creates a problem sometimes, when the spouse has a career and wants to pursue it after relocation and settling down in the new place.

This article provides some insights on how to make such relocations more productive and how to minimize the impact of two career transitions.

Plan First, then Evaluate

Generally, relocations are prompted by the primary bread winner getting enticed by an opportunity that requires relocation. Those who face such opportunities often ignore the full impact of this relocation on their family, and, especially, on their spouse. If the spouse is not a career professional, then it is often assumed that relocation should not be a problem as long as the children’s schooling is taken care of. This is often myopic¾and selfish.

Having an open discussion with the “non-working” spouse is often a good way to address issues that may remain hidden until they erupt at the most inopportune time. Each concern must be addressed with specificity and a strategy that provides some assurance to the spouse that for the transition to be meaningful and hassle free, each of the issues would be addressed.

If the spouse, on the other hand, is a working professional who will be displaced by the move in their career, consideration must be given to the impact of that disruption and how that should translate into the package offered for the primary job. The following suggestions are worth some thought before a job offer for the primary wage earner is accepted:

1. Make one or more trips to the new locale and scout out the area for neighborhoods, schools, housing, and social life. Imagine yourself living in that setting on an everyday basis and evaluate if both see that as viable. Any concerns, no matter how trivial, must be brought to the table and a discussion held involving all affected family members. Making a running list of such factors is a good idea. The best way to have this “meeting” is in a somewhat formal way where each partner brings their list to the table. Having a time and a space for such an important event makes the event significant for both.
2. Once all the factors are listed, it is a good idea to make a pros-and-cons list so that all family members (everyone involved in the move) can see how the change is going to impact their life. Open discussions are helpful in reconciling any hidden cautions. The first meeting must be between the two main partners. Once there is an agreement, bringing others as a group can work. It is not a good idea to subject the children to the open debate between the two spouses.
3. If any of the items on this list remain unaddressed because of lack of information or lack of clarity, it is best to revisit them later. Decisions can be made on a contingency basis when such open issues are confronted.
4. Once the two agree on the move’s impact on the spouse that must follow the primary wage earner, all factors that affect that spouse must be monetized. This may sound mercenary, but in the absence of anything better, this approach gives some objective insights into the factors that drive us to decide. For example, if the non-working spouse has to have household help because of the conditions in that geography, the financial impact of that arrangement must be addressed. Similarly, if the schooling of the displaced child(ren) entails private institutions, that cost, too, must be factored in the move.
5. A more rigorous way to analyze the decision is to make a pros-and-cons table. On the left of a vertical line drawn on a piece of paper are the pros and on the right, cons. Each listed factor can be weighted in accordance with its impact on the move. For example, if the “friends and neighbors” are important to you, then in the pros column that factor could be weighted a 7/10. The same item on the cons column would be weighted a 1/10 because you do not have similar relationships at the new place (but you may be able to develop them). A total numeric score on each side will be a good guide for knowing which side is tipping the scale.
6. Once the cost impact of the move (with realistic arrangements) is tallied, the main wage earner must translate that into the new compensation for the offered position. During negotiations of salary these factors must be raised early enough so that there is no surprise on either side when actual offer is tendered.
7. If the secondary spouse is displaced from their career, finding another job in the new area can present a challenge its own. Depending on the job market and the typical latency period for landing such opportunity, a reasonable time must be allowed. Otherwise disappointment sets in and that translates into a prolonged adjustment period until things get “normal” again. It is a good idea to do this research first before the physical move. This can be done on the Internet and by reading newspapers from the area where you plan to relocate.
8. If the spouse does not find the new area to their liking, that factor should be translated into some monetary compensation that would bring equity to the situation. The new salary of the primary wage earner must reflect this sense of accommodation.
9. Generally companies pay for the cost of relocation, housing differentials, and escrow closing fees. Often, these allowances are generous, but must be considered in light of the differences in housing costs. Sometimes, these can be significant.
10. Not all factors and risks can be known or are knowable in such a move. If, after doing due diligence, surprises pop up and they set you back, chalking this setback to learning, and growing from it is a good way to deal with it. No blame should be placed on anyone as long as everyone participated in the process outlines above. Remember, such transitions are adventures and people grow from these experiences. Often, it brings families closer. After all, that alone is worth something!
11. In some cases making a long-term agreement between the two about the move can be a good compromise. “I will come with you and stay there for 12 years, but when you retire, we are going to move to Venice, Florida.”

The Second Job

For a career spouse finding another job–the second job in the household–in a new market can present its own challenges. New people, new place, and new job market can gang up to pose daunting challenges. The following suggestions are offered to make this manageable:

1. The primary wage earner must get settled in their job first. Once the housing and necessary living arrangements are addressed, children’s schooling comes next. The children must feel settled in their environment with new friends and teachers before the spouse can undertake a job campaign on their own. During this transition period the primary wage earner’s getting adjusted and feeling settled are important. Sometimes, this can take longer than expected. New place, new bosses, new colleagues, and new responsibilities can create their own stress and may result in requiring a longer adjustment period. Until this transition is under control the spouse is better advised to wait for their job search. Job search creates its own demands and stress. Preparatory work can be done in the background as time becomes available (getting the résumé ready, identifying target companies, etc. See #4 below).
2. As things are getting settled the spouse must scout around town to look for networking opportunities to see where those looking for similar jobs gather on a regular basis. Most major cities have networking groups. They meet every week and exchange job information. Contacting the local Employment Development Department (EDD) can also help.
3. Many networking groups such a LinkedIn.com offer its members access to everyone in their database through their own connection, networked by “degrees of separation.”. Such groups can be invaluable in locating key contacts in the geography of your interest and in the companies that are you potential targets.
4. Locating contacts and developing them are important, but these take time. Simultaneously, finding job openings in the area is equally important. One good resource to do this on-line is the apt-named SimplyHired.com. This Website offers nearly five million jobs across geographies. So, all you have to do is to simply type in the name of the city and the job title, and, viola, the search engine provides all jobs as a list in that area! Reference USA is yet another resource available free through libraries across the country and you can do this search on the Internet. Reference USA allows you to search employers by any number of criteria, including the zip code. All you need is a library card (almost any library card would do). This data base lists 13 million US employers. Yahoo! Jobs and other resources can also be helpful. Engaging in this research as you get settled in the new place, before you launch you campaign, and discovering that there are jobs to be had can be a great reliever of unfounded anxiety.
5. As you get settled with enrolling the children in schools and joining the local church, it is a good idea to inform those who come in contact with you that you are looking for opportunities and that you would appreciate their help. Be open to networking with some fluidity and flexibility. Joining a volunteer organization can also be helpful in quickly expanding your new network. Many times people in these networks can also help you get settled faster in the new place.
6. During the initial period it is a good idea to have a flexible schedule at work (for the main wage earner) to allow for house hunting and supporting the spouse in their initiatives. It is tempting to jump in and start burning the midnight oil from day-one to make a good impression on those around you. This is myopic and can go against a good work-life balance. Most bosses understand this situation and it is best to manage the right expectations from the get-go than to merely create an impression of loyalty.
7. Often the relocated person’s HR department can be used as a resource in making connections for job hunting. If this is brought up as the person navigates through the interview process at the prospect employer, their spouse is less likely to be ignored by the HR staff.
8. Going to the social meetings of the myriad volunteer organizations such as the Lyon’s Club, the Rotary Club, Toastmasters, and other organizations can also be a good avenue to make new connections and to get job leads.
9. Before launching the campaign, the spouse must reassess the commitment that the new job will require. Because of the changes and the demands on their personal life in the new place, their energy and commitment to their prospective job may become different. In that case the job search must be approached accordingly from the get-go. For example, if the demands on the spouse’s time are greater in the new place, job sharing is an option that is worth considering from the start.
10. Because the primary wage earner is already employed, the urgency for finding a new job for their spouse is somewhat less. Leveraging this advantage into finding the best fit in your new job can be critical to the long-term success in that job.
11. The best strategy is to launch the job-search campaign in earnest and spend focused energy and time in executing the campaign. The other method is to search in an ad hoc manner as the time permits, and conduct the campaign in fits and starts. This approach results in job offers that come few and far between, and you may be forced to take an offer just because it is available. A much better approach is to launch a vigorous campaign that results in many job offers in a short period of time, even if it takes longer to launch such a campaign. This strategy also assures you that you are positioned correctly in the market and that you are not being shortchanged.
12. Using recruiters can be an advantage in job search, but knowing that they do not work for you can be a reminder that you can go on your own and do well. A recruiter’s job is to find their clients (companies that pay them for placement) a good fit. They will not help reposition you in a way that serves you (unless it also serves them). The best person to position you correctly is you. A career coach or counselor can be of help here, too.
13. If you like a particular employer (an “A” target), but is not hiring for a particular position that you are after, approach them with a prospect letter after doing some research on the company and how you might solve a problem or address an opportunity that they are missing out on. This is easier than most realize. There are many examples of such successes in the author’s The 7 Keys to a Dream Job: A Career Nirvana Playbook!

Relocating for a family, even where there are two careers involved can be an adventure. If you follow the prescription suggested here it can be a productive transition for all involved; it is also an adventure, to boot!