At a recent talk I gave to a group of women in the Silicon Valley one question that came up during the Q&A session was about assertive communication. The questioner asked about how to learn and practice assertive communication and why was it so effective in getting what you want.
Good question!
Before we delve into assertive communication let us explore the panoptic view of communication types to fully understand its different flavors and their implications.
There are the following types of communication styles:
- Aggressive
- Passive
- Passive-aggressive
- Hostile, and
- Assertive
1: Aggressive Communication: This style of communication is characterized by the person being “in the face” with those that they are communicating. They use strong words in their language, use every resource to amplify their message–such as shouting, speaking hurriedly, and menacing body language–to make sure that they leave no doubt in the other person’s mind about their reaction to that person’s point of view. When such a style is adopted it is normal for the other person to retreat and go away, without really resolving the issue at hand. Such an approach to communication does not really solve any problem, but defers it, often exacerbating it. The relationship between the two people also becomes tense and brittle over time. If a person in a superior position (such a boss, a person with power, or someone with influence) adopts an aggressive communication style they may achieve their objective, but in the process they often alienate those around them.
2: Passive Communication: Those with a passive communication style are generally afraid of confrontation and do not feel they have the right to make their wishes and desires known, even though the person with whom they are communicating is their peer or their junior. This style is a personality character and is manifest even when the person has been gravely harmed by something that is unjust, unfair, or immoral. Thus, passive communication is a form of expression that is ineffective and maladaptive. This style of communication can lead to feelings of anxiety, anger, depression, and helplessness, and is common among people who are anxious and not well adapted to their surroundings.
There are many reasons people adopt a passive communication style: poor language skills, lack of confidence in holding a logical argument, getting emotional during a verbal dialog, etc. Each of these factors can be overcome through personal development and a person can become an assertive communicator.
3: Passive-aggressive Communication: A person adopting this communication style often resorts to hidden agendas, even sabotage, without confronting the person with whom they should communicate and with whom they have issues. They will often conspire with others to thwart or defeat not just the things that bother them about the person they are unwilling to confront, but also anything that person is trying to do. They are reluctant to voice their opinion and are often seen working in the background with their own agenda to interfere with whatever they believe is a just cause. Such behavior is counterproductive in a team environment and is easy to expose if it persists.
4: Hostile Communication: This mode of communication is downright intimidating. A person adopting this style can quickly escalate their wrath by unleashing first their verbal assault, accompanying by menacing gestures and even intimidation. If such a person does not get what they want with this approach they can even become dangerous in their dealing with the other person such as causing them harm or even injury.
5: Assertive Communication: This style of communication deals with knowing how to hold a civilized conversation using appropriate language, arguments that are logical, and an agenda that is well thought-out. The person adopting this style of communication is aware of their own limitations in how they communicate, the style of the other person with whom they are engaged, and what they need to do to make the other person embrace their point of view through a give-and-take. With practice such a win-win style can work with a person with almost any other communication style that they typically adopt.
Assertive communication style is a learned skill. With knowledge, practice, and success one can become an assertive communicator with highly effective communication skills.
Good luck!