I was intrigued by the results of a recent study that looked at the time working couples spend together alone during a day. It was no surprise to me that their time together during a weekday is typically only about four minutes! When I tied this piece of data with the constant debate about “Work-life balance,” I decided to write this blog:
So, first let us talk about the topic of Work-life balance!
I think that the whole concept of Work-life balance is obfuscated by how it is phrased! It is interesting how we look at an issue by the words that describe it.
First, when we talk about work-life, the very way we bring it up suggests that they are opposites! If one finds a true calling and is engaged in purposeful work (being “in” the job rather than being “on” it) then there is less tension between these two objectives. Part of the problem with most working professionals is that a majority (these estimates are in the 80% range) of workers are weltering in their job for a paycheck and not for the joy that comes from what they can really do. There are many reasons for this inevitable welter. In my own practice I find that clients who come to me with work-related frustrations, even hopelessness, are not even aware that if they re-framed how they approach what they do, not only can much of that stress melt away, but it can transform into true joy from the very same job, but done differently!
In reality, they come to me expecting for ways to change their world around them. But, when we drill down to their root-cause of their stress—and disengagement—at work, they often concede that their attitude contributes to nearly 75% of that stress. In most of these cases we are often able to find a way of approaching what they do so that their engagement in their job increases as does their happiness derived from it. In case after case this inward change has resulted in not just more purposeful and happy work, but it has reduced their stress at work, to which they had resigned as something that was insurmountable. Once you are able to achieve this simple transformation by re-framing your work (and changing some behaviors to achieve it) the whole calculus around how you view your job changes for the better! In many cases work has become joyous and nearly stress-free. In such a state work can become life affirming!
Now, the next step to conquer is for you to integrate your personal needs and the time it needs to take care of those needs. Once again, the word “balance” gets in the way of this debate. Balance conjures in our minds the image of a scale consisting of a beam pivoted at its middle and having a pan suspended at either end. Unless both pans carry exactly equal amounts of weight, the scale is not balanced! In the reality of today’s working world this is a near impossibility for most professionals. However, what is more achievable can be, once again, described by rephrasing this ideal: Work-life integration.
Once you rephrase this need to lead a harmonious life, then achieving this reality of work-life integration becomes not only less frustrating, but even quite achievable. What this means is that you must find avenues to perform at work in such a way that it allows you the time and energy to attend to your life’s everyday priorities: taking care of your kids’ needs, taking care of your finances, attending to your elderly parents, and so on. Once again, the parameters must be first laid out, initially among yourselves (you, your spouse, and with all those affected by how you attend to what is needed to be done) and then with your boss and colleagues. Once this is agreed upon, how you carry out your everyday obligations become more workable, allowing you to keep that work-life integration practicable. What creates problems is when you are not first truthful to yourself and then you do not share that truth with those around you (including boss and colleagues) to forge a working arrangement.
Before we conclude this blog, I want to go back to what got me started on this important topic in the first place: Couples spending less than four minutes daily alone together. So, to get more time together and to use that time to bring more harmony in your marriage, family, and life, here is my prescription:
1. Find out what is causing you stress and grief at work and evaluate how much of that can be alleviated by re-framing how you approach what you do as discussed early in this blog.
2. Working with your boss and colleagues, create a new work plan that allows you to derive joy from what you do at work. This often requires an honest appraisal of your work, priorities, and your likes/dislikes.
3. Make an audit of your “work-life” conflicts. Then decide which of these items are priorities and how you can team-up (you and your spouse) to achieve conquering these priorities.
4. Communicate with your dependents (kids, parents, relatives), who rely on you to care for them. Often, setting expectations and communicating those clearly to those affected by your attention to them can free-up much of your time for other priorities.
5. If your boss is toxic and is not willing to accommodate your needs, then find another boss/job. My advice here is that nearly 80% of the bosses are dysfunctional in some way (from downright toxic to somewhat unpleasant, so be realistic about this; do try to work with the boss you have). If you are a boss yourself and are reading this, try to work on this yourself first! Even if you think that you’re not toxic, assume that you ARE!
6. If you are able to come this far in re-arranging your work and personal life, then use the time you otherwise spend with therapists, marriage counselors, and help-groups to spend with your spouse alone, instead. You will no longer need those handrails (will save you money, too!). Go out to dinner on a whim; surprise your spouse, instead! Remember, the most precious times with your loved ones (spouse, children) are not the ones that demand the most from you (time, effort,money, or attention), but are derived from your being most thoughtful and spontaneous.
7. Openly communicate what is on your mind and listen to your spouse (and others) to see what you need to do to bring harmony in your own life.
8. Once you are on this path to change your life, frequently check your progress and audit what is working and what is not.
9. Ask those around you to see if they have seen any change in how things are working out for them since you embraced this outlook. Positive reinforcement often works wonders.
10. Be open to new possibilities.
Good luck!