Working with Difficult Colleagues

How to Make Points and Influence People

In your work life it is not uncommon to encounter colleagues, associates, and those around you who are unpleasant, even obnoxious, to deal with. Some display this trait overtly and others in more “subtle” ways. Such people have a tendency to bring out the worst in you and to even demean you in every interaction that they have with you. The ones that play this game in a more subtle ways come a slightly different flavor: they undermine you through their game-playing and through their backroom shenanigans.

You know within yourself that you are a reasonable person, who is willing to make an effort to get along harmoniously with the others to maintain good working relationships with those with whom you need to work, or even be regarded as a nice person to work with!

But, with some people—the difficult people—they operate on a principle that defies this civility. Their “operating system” is vitiated by their own imprinting and a self-centered yet cynical view of the world around them. Their modus operandi is to  bully you, intimidate you, manipulate others to get what they want without so much as even lifting their finger and take credit for what goes well and have an outward-pointed finger when it doesn’t! The worst part is that most people tip-toe around them so as not to raise their ire. Difficult people take delight in this response and treatment from those around them.

As you retreat home after a typical day when encounters with such people infuriate you, thinking of how you have been abused and demeaned beyond your ability to tolerate it, yet again, you reflect on how you might have responded, instead. As you are reaching home gnashing at the teeth and muttering all the things you should have said when this obnoxious person once again got the best of you, the same person is perhaps having a drink with your boss, talking about you, planting seeds for your removal from the scene!

This scenario is played out too often throughout the corporate world regardless of the size of an organization. It is estimated that nearly ten percent of the workers are difficult to work with-incorrigible-and of them, once again, nearly a fourth are diehard incorrigible! The interesting fact is that it takes only a few to create a toxic environment of suspicion, mistrust, and friction for an entire organization to function well below its capacity.

So, what is the remedy for such situations and those who perpetrate such situations?

The reason for the continuing nature of such behavior is that it is tolerated. Once uncivil behavior goes unchallenged the person exhibiting such behavior continues to behave in that manner because they enjoy being the bully. They get what they want, primarily because others abet this behavior and even perpetuate it by acquiescing to their often escalating abuse of others. Often, they rely on the fact that those who are subjected to such abuse often blame themselves for how they are being treated. The interesting effect is that such people develop their own circle of bullies who wreak havoc in an otherwise healthy organization. In such circumstances having more than a few who engage in such behavior legitimizes it and creates an aura of acceptability that shifts the behavior norms in the wrong direction for an organization that wants to behave in a harmonious way!

The root cause of why some people behave in this offensive manner is their communication style. Our communication style conveys to others how we wish to treat them in the way that we think of them. There are four distinct styles of communicators:

• Aggressive
• Passive
• Passive/Aggressive
• Assertive

Aggressive Communicators are driven by either anger or hostility. This can be either internal or external. In either case it does not matter where it comes from, but the way that it manifests is through the way they communicate with others. Their tone is often demanding, abusive, and demeaning, or sometimes, even condescending. The person with whom they are communicating usually feels intimidated by their language and its tone, and rather than confronting them about their behavior, they quietly truckle to their demands with the hope of avoiding any further interaction with them. Often, aggressive communicators succeed in creating the perception that if the person refuses their request or challenges them that they might explode and get out of control. This often helps them go unchallenged and results in their getting exactly what they want. In return, those around such aggressive communicators often shy away from them and keep their distance in their interactions with them. This is not a positive relationship.

Passive Communicators, on the other hand do not express their views. They quietly surrender to the situation and go with the flow just to get along. Passive communicators are often shy, easily intimidated, but are often hard working. They compensate for their inability to openly communicate by working harder than most and not making any waves when things seem to go awry. Passive communicators end up being time bombs that quietly tick away and explode in some insidious ways that surprise those around them. An extreme case of passive communicators is those that “go postal.”

Passive-Aggressive communicators use manipulation as a means of getting what they want. Rather than coming out openly and stating what is on their mind, passive-aggressive communicators often play games in achieving what they want. They will have hidden agendas; they usually get what they desire through insinuating, manipulation, and deceit. To those whom they perceive as insecure, such communicators use sarcasm to get what they want.

Assertive Communicators are interested in creating a win-win relationship. They first identify why the person with whom they are communicating would be interested in their proposal and then present it in a way that creates a positive opportunity for both. In such a dynamic assertive communication works even if the person “wanting” something from the other person is a superior and who does not need to use their positional authority to get their subordinates to do what they want. In such an exchange even the subordinate feels positive about the exchange! Assertive communication takes an effort to evaluate why the other person would engage in a meaningful exchange with them and then developing a strategy that makes it a reality. Both parties walk away feeling good in such a transaction.

In any organization there is a mix of communicators who belong to all these four groups. Dealing with any particular type of communicator will depend on the preference that the person communicating with them will display. Also, one person can display different dominant modes of communication style depending on a particular situation. The trick is to situationally evaluate what is happening to you and then take action so that you come out on top. This is a learned skill.

When you are dealing with an aggressive communicator the best strategy is to confront them and politely ask them in a language that you can deal with. If they are demanding or abusive, merely reminding them that there are better ways of asking what they are looking for and then asking them to repeat their request the way you expect is generally a good way to drive the point home. Smiling throughout this interaction always diffuses any ill-will the person may feel when you try this approach.

When you are dealing with a passive communicator, their body language speaks volumes on what they are really feeling about what is going on around them. Learning to read their body language and then confronting them usually works to your advantage. They typically do not expect anyone to challenge their thinking through the body language they unwittingly project.

Passive-aggressive people can be dealt with by looking at their past pattern of communication and behaviors and then confronting them when there is a potential for a conflict between what you want and how you expect them to react to what you want from them.

Once you begin to read how people communicate it is not difficult to codify their preference and then get them in the win-win mode by dealing with how you communicate with them.