The Fallacy of “Finding Yourself!”

Since I am in the business of coaching professionals in their career and their life some come to me hoping that having a session with me they will somehow magically “discover themselves.” This obsession of finding oneself is deeply rooted in those who are unhappy in their careers—and even life—because they do not feel fulfilled in their everyday existence. To many the life of myriad challenges is not what they signed up for—they were somehow raised expecting a fairytale life for themselves.

Hello! Wake up from that illusion!

Such a life does not exist for anyone. We just think that people we admire and the celebrities we obsess over somehow lead these charmed lives! As John Lennon once said, Life happens when you are making other plans! I am now convinced that this is true for everyone!

As a part of their journey to discover themselves they go through expensive self-discovery (or guided-discovery) tools, often going to professionals, who administer them a battery of psychometric tests. When people go through these tests and experiences, often, they really do not learn anything new. First, many of these tests results depend on how you respond to the many questions that are posed to you. So, the outcomes depend on how honest your responses were. Second, even with completely honest responses these tests do not reveal anything new, insightful, or actionable that you did not already know. I have known cases where people were even more confused about themselves after such tests than they were before taking them!

In a similar vein, some attend expensive retreats where self-help gurus give fiery speeches about how they found themselves (and got rich from it), who pump them up, leaving them convinced that after they walk out of that retreat, each one could transform themselves into a person just like the one on the stage. Some go away hoping that even if some of that magic rubbed off after they went home from that retreat, they would lead a happier life. After a few days, life quietly returns to normal rhythm as if nothing changed, except perhaps the new guilt of having spent all that money!

The reason why nothing really changes for most people is because many are chasing a mirage in pursuit of finding their true self. In their new book, The Start-up of You!, Reid Hoffman (LinkedIn’s founder) and Ben Casnocha exhort that there is really no “true self” deep within that you can uncover via introspection and that will point you in the right direction. In my opinion this is a mirage that many are chasing. The authors point out that one’s aspirations are themselves shaped by their actions and experiences. And, further, that you must learn to remake yourself as you grow, and as the world around you changes. Your identity does not get found, it emerges; they remind you. And, I agree with them!

I’m convinced that you don’t discover yourself through tests and through listening to others’ speeches; you discover yourself through the crucible of your own life!

For your identity to emerge you must learn to take charge of your life and your actions. Here is what I tell my clients on how to increase their engagement in their life and get more out of it:

1. First make an assessment of where you are in your life and your career, and learn to be grateful, no matter how challenging your life is or has become. Once you embrace this ‘gratitude attitude,’ your outlook changes about how you look at where you are and what is happening around you.
2. Identify the biggest challenge you face now. If it is your boss then figure out how you can win over your boss by changing the way you look at what is happening in your relationship with her. If it is your job then find out what you need to do to bring more meaning in what you do through deeper engagement and by being more involved in it than you currently are.
3. If you are seeking another job because you are fed up with how things are at your current job, reflect and see if you can change something right where you are and learn to conquer your challenges, instead of learning how to run away from them. Each job, no matter how glamorous from afar, has its own challenges that reveal themselves only when you tackle it. Before seeking or taking a new job, ask yourself this question: Am I running away from something or am I running towards something I really want. If it is the former then you must conquer your obstacles first, otherwise, they will manifest yet again in a different way at your new job.
4. Learn how to verbalize your accomplishments in a story that is intriguing and compelling. As I work with my clients on their résumés one of the more consistent feedbacks I get is that once they were able to verbalize their professional accomplishments in a compelling way with short stories they realized how unique they were in how they did their job. We all need validation of our uniqueness and you must find a way to capture it. This is a more productive way to “discover” yourself than some of those others that depend on the paid outsiders to inspire you. You must learn how to find your inspiration through your own muses! Extrinsic inspiration is transitory—and expensive!
5. Make a plan to change something within or around you and stick to it. Getting ahead is about learning to make a change and mastering how to conquer adversity. Find colleagues, who are inspired and who will encourage for you to make a change in an everyday way and befriend them. It is through these changes that you will really discover yourself and find your true calling!

Good luck!