In your work life it is not uncommon to encounter colleagues, associates, and those around you who are unpleasant, even obnoxious, to deal with. Some display this trait overtly and others in more “subtle” ways. Such people have a tendency to bring out the worst in you and to even overtly or covertly demean you in every interaction that they have with you.
You know within yourself that you are a reasonable person who is willing to make an effort to get along with others harmoniously.
But, difficult people operate on a principle that defies this expectation of civility. Their “operating system” is vitiated by their own imprinting and a self-centered yet cynical view of the world around them. Their modus operandi is to bully you, intimidate you, and manipulate others to get what they want without so much as even lifting their finger, taking credit for what goes well and having a ready outward-pointed finger when it doesn’t! The worst part is that most people tip-toe around them so as not to raise their ire. Difficult people take delight in this response and treatment from those around them; they have the tendency to desiccate an environment that is otherwise full of life.
As you retreat home after a typical day when encounters with such people infuriate you, you begin to wonder what you are doing wrong. As you are reaching home gnashing at the teeth and muttering all the things that you should have said and wondering about the hopeless inadequacy of your own vocabulary to express with civility how you feel about these people, the same person is perhaps having a drink with your boss, talking about you, planting seeds for your removal from the scene!
This scenario is played out too often throughout the corporate world regardless of the size of an organization. It is estimated that nearly ten percent of the workers are difficult to work with—incorrigible—and of them, once again, nearly a fourth are diehard incorrigible! The interesting fact is that it takes only a few to create a toxic environment at work.
So, what is the remedy for such situations and for those who perpetrate this environment?
One reason for the continuing nature of such objectionable behavior is that it is tolerated. Once uncivil behavior goes unchallenged the person exhibiting such behavior continues to behave in that manner because they enjoy being the bully; they may even amp up their incivility and the frequency with which they continue to abuse others.
Abusers get what they want, primarily because others abet this behavior and even perpetuate it by acquiescing to their ongoing abuse of others. Often, they rely on the fact that those who are subjected to such abuse often blame themselves. Abusers rely on the insecurities of their victims to take the abuse and to find the blame within themselves.
The underlying cause (if not the root-cause) of why some people behave in this offensive manner is their communication style that others tolerate. Our communication style conveys to others how we wish to treat them and how we think of them. There are four distinct styles of communicators:
- Aggressive
- Passive
- Passive/Aggressive
- Assertive
Aggressive Communicators are driven by either anger or hostility. This can be either internal or external. In either case it does not matter where it comes from, but the way that it manifests is through the way they communicate with others. Their tone is often demanding, abusive, and demeaning, or sometimes, even condescending. The person with whom they are communicating usually feels intimidated by their language and its tone, and, rather than confronting them about their behavior, they quietly truckle to their demands with the hope of avoiding any further interaction with them.
Often, aggressive communicators succeed in creating the perception that if the person refuses their request or challenges them that they might explode and get out of control. This often helps aggressive communicators go unchallenged and results in their getting exactly what they want. In return, those around such aggressive communicators often shy away from them and keep their distance in their interactions with them. This is not a positive relationship.
Passive Communicators, on the other hand, do not express their views. They quietly surrender to the situation and go with the flow just to get along. Passive communicators are often shy, easily intimidated, but are often hard working. They compensate for their inability to openly communicate by working harder than most and by not making any waves when things seem to go awry. Passive communicators end up being time bombs that quietly tick away and explode in some insidious ways that surprise those around them. An extreme case of passive communicators is those that “go postal.” (Going postal is a phrase derived from the behavior of those who suddenly explode, mostly at their place of work, by randomly shooting people because they believe that they have been wronged in some way.)
A yet another flavor of passive communicators are those who feel uncomfortable speaking up in a group setting such as a departmental meeting. They often shy away from speaking up and articulating their ideas forcefully in meetings. They often feel that assertive participants are hijacking their ideas and that they themselves never get taken seriously. They often suffer in quiet resignation, blaming those who openly communicate without fear. In private they act out by being passive-aggressive communicators (see below), especially when dealing with those who they think steal their ideas and take credit for them in meetings. The situation they create is thus entirely a result of their own communication insecurity.
Passive-Aggressive communicators use manipulation as a means of getting what they want. Rather than coming out openly and stating what is on their mind, passive-aggressive communicators often play games in achieving what they want. They often have hidden agendas; they usually get what they desire through insinuation, manipulation, and deceit. To those whom they perceive as insecure, such communicators often use sarcasm to get what they want.
Assertive Communicators are interested in creating a win-win relationship. They first identify why the person with whom they are communicating would be interested in their proposal and then present it in a way that creates a positive opportunity for both. In such a dynamic assertive communication works even if the person “wanting” something from the other person is a superior and who does not need to use their positional authority to get their subordinates to do what they want done. In such an exchange even the subordinate feels positive about the exchange! Assertive communication takes an effort to evaluate why the other person would engage in a meaningful exchange with them and then developing a strategy that makes it a reality. Both parties walk away feeling good in such a transaction. Assertive communication begins with an outward view of the need and not with an inward-focused (self-centric) view.
In any random organization there is a mix of communicators who belong to all these four groups. Dealing with any particular type of communicator will depend on the preference that the person communicating with them will display. Also, one person can display different dominant modes of communication style depending on a particular situation. The trick is to situationally evaluate what is happening to you and then take action so that you come out on top. This is a learned skill.
When you are dealing with an aggressive communicator the best strategy is to confront them and to politely ask them in a language that you can deal with. If they are demanding or abusive, merely reminding them that there are better ways of asking what they are looking for and then asking them to repeat their request the way you expect is generally a good way to drive the point home. Smiling throughout this interaction always diffuses any ill-will the person may feel when you try this approach.
When you are dealing with a passive communicator, their body language speaks volumes on what they are really feeling about what is going on around them. Learning to read their body language and then confronting them usually works to your advantage. They typically do not expect anyone to challenge their thinking through the body language they unwittingly project.
Passive-aggressive people can be dealt with by looking at their past pattern of communication and behaviors and then by confronting them when there is a potential for a conflict between what you want and how you expect them to react to that need.
Once you begin to read how people communicate it is not difficult to codify their preference and to then get them in the win-win mode by dealing with how you communicate with them. Open communication and getting into the assertive mode is a freeing experience. It also empowers you to take control of how things happen around you and to manage the stress level you feel from how you are being treated by others.